My Little Angel

Two months ago, the Lord gave me my little Angel. And as I look back, the instant realization was just too painful. I wrote an email to my college friends, detailing everything that happened on that uneventful day.

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24 October 2011

Dear Sewer

Hi! It has been a long time since I last saw you guys, well, except for Hasmin. I've been seeing her for lunch quite often for the past few weeks. Except for a few people here, I believe it's now time to tell you guys what I have been holding off for the past two months or so. Now that I have finally come to terms with myself and with everything that has happened.

Well, last month, September 2 to be exact, a few days after Paul's dad passed away, I found out that I was pregnant. I already suspected it since I missed my period, well, given that my periods always come on time so a couple of days missed triggered us to buy the kit and do the test. The two lines came out clear. We were very ecstatic, excited, especially Paul! This was his moment to rejoice since it was painful for him to lose his dad abruptly. Both of us wanted to have a baby so even though we are not yet married, we actively tried to conceive. Now with the baby on the way, we scheduled to have our civil wedding next month.

We regularly have our check ups then on 3rd week September (my baby's 6th week) I was advised by my OB to be on bed rest for two weeks because of slight bleeding. Prior to that, I had my 2nd ultrasound and saw our baby's heartbeat for the first time. She gave me medication and rested for two weeks so my baby will be well. I went back to work on October 3. There was still very very slight bleeding but no pain at all so I still continued with my medication.

Then last October 16, I went to Healthway to have them do some blood tests since this was required by my OB before my next appointment on October 22. The resident doctor at Healthway told me to visit my OB the following day because my test results show that I have severe UTI. The resident doctor was not an OB so she cannot make any prescriptions and only advised me to go to my OB asap. I checked in with my OB at Makati Med the following day, exactly one week ago. Since my baby is almost on the 11th week, she tried to listen to the heartbeat using the Doppler. She cannot hear the baby's heartbeat. She did not say anything except that it may be quite normal since the baby's heartbeat can only be heard past the 12th week. However, she cannot hear my heartbeat as well. My heartbeat should mean that there is blood flowing from my body to the baby, but she cannot hear it too. Calm as she was, she only advised me to have an ultrasound right away and she will wait for the results. When it was my turn and I was already lying in bed, I was surprised that my OB arrived with the Sonologist (the one who will perform the ultrasound). Normally, she does not accompany patients during the ultrasound but she came, which should tell me that I should be worried. Then everything happened so quickly. The instant the images became clear, the Sonologist immediately said that the reason why my OB cannot hear any heartbeat because the baby's heart already stopped beating. According to it's size, the baby's demise was around 7 weeks.

It was heartbreaking. I was confused and I couldn't believe what was happening. But I tried to contain myself until I'm inside my OB's clinic. Paul was still at work so I don't have company. The minute the doors of my OB's clinic closed, I broke down. I could not understand why all of this was happening to me. My OB explained that these types of miscarriages usually happen when as early as the first trimester there are already chromosomal or congenital abnormalities with the baby and they die around 6-8 weeks. Mine was 7. It happened naturally that's why I did not feel any pain at all. My OB advised me to go home first and will schedule the D&C procedure early tomorrow morning. I called up Paul and told him the bad news. He immediately left the office and we met up at home where we just cried all day. He was devastated. He was so excited making plans for us, but unfortunately, all of that will not materialize. Plus he lost his dad just recently making it more painful for him.

Early the following day I was admitted to Makati Med's delivery room where I waited for more than 12 hours, from labor to the actual procedure. Paul and my parents were alternately waiting outside the delivery room and the patient's room assigned to us. They were not allowed to join me inside the delivery room since I was put in critical care. It was not painful. They gave me Propofol when I went into "labor" (wow that was actually niiiccceee, nakaka high. no wonder MJ became addicted to that) and anesthesia thru the spine during the procedure. They wheeled me into my room at around 830pm where Paul, my family, and several close friends were there. We checked out of the hospital the next day.

So now I'm just home. I'm on leave from work for 2 months since they consider this as a maternity leave. Physically, I'm ok. There's still light bleeding and cramps, just like having my normal period. Emotionally, I'm getting by. As I've said, I have finally come to terms with everything that has happened. In the few days after the procedure, even though I'm slowly moving forward, it was still very difficult. I still cry myself to sleep at night. Good thing Paul's with me, giving me the much needed strength and support that I so badly need. He's dealing with it better that me anyway. Without him, I don't know how I'll manage. I'm ok now. I've realized that yes, what happened is very very painful, but it was all part of God's plan. We're still better off that the baby's demise happened very early during my pregnancy. God did not let us wait to have our baby born, or wait until I could feel him/her kicking inside my tummy, only to take him/her away immediately. Saved us from an even more unbearable pain, I guess, and more financial distress.

We're still pushing through with our civil wedding next month. It is part of our plan and we're not delaying it because of an unfortunate incident. Hopefully, if money permits, we'll have our church wedding next year. But we do not want to rush. As for baby plans, we'll see next year. I want to take care of my body and health first, so it would be easy the next time around.

So that's my story. Sorry guys, I wanted to surprise you on our next get together (most likely our Christmas party) with my big tummy. But obviously there would be no surprises this time.

Take care, guys! See you soon!

Colby