Happy 9th month!

My daughter celebrated her 9th month birthday yesterday. She's growing up so fast!

Isn't she a lovely little girl? :D I love you very very much, baby!

New Colors!

It is almost two years since my husband and I moved back to his home base because paying for rent is taking a toll on our finances. Plus, I developed a sort of "postpartum depression" right after we lost our first baby so it was better for us to move and be with family.  

We had to have the 1st floor of their home renovated to accommodate me and, well, my stuff. We had no budget so we had to work things out to be able to make our place "livable". It was a difficult time - we became so broke - but eventually we were able to move in as scheduled. The outcome of the renovation did not turn out as I expected it to be. But it had to do. We needed a place to stay.

Fast forward to today.  My husband and I decided to take two weeks leave off from work to take care our baby while my mom is away.  We had no plans since it was an unexpected move.  But my husband had a bright idea and decided to continue what was supposed to be done and finished 1 1/2 years ago - paint our home.  Yes, our home remained unpainted for almost two years because we didn't have the time and money to hire a professional to do it.  We thought that doing it ourselves would only mess it up.  But then my husband got the idea from her mom who was painting her own bedroom by herself.  So we bought some paint and brushes last week and my husband immediately started to work as soon as we got home. 

Now he is halfway done.  He painted our walls with cream colored paint and a royal blue accent wall.  It's not flawless since this is just DIY.  But it looks like new.  And it's beautiful.  

I am thankful that I am surrounded by the positive colors that lift up my spirit.  And I am thankful for my husband who made it all possible. 

And now I call it... The Gratitude Project

It has been a while.

It's 11pm and I'm wide awake. My husband and daughter are sleeping. I don't mind staying up late since we are already on leave; there's no pressure to wake up early. 

It has been a while.

A few years back, I decided to create this blog so I can express my ramblings and rants freely without having anyone suffer with the endless and sometimes irrational feedback that I always say. It's like my sounding board; my shoulder to cry on; my personal psychologist. All my opinions and feelings are freely expressed here, and these are my opinions that I don't have the guts to tell anyone personally. I have no intention of letting any of my friends know about this blog since, as I have said, I don't want anyone to suffer reading through all that useless crap. 

But I never got to writing more than 5 posts. But that doesn't mean that I am now living a peaceful and problem-free life. Well sure, I am more than happy with my husband and my daughter, who is growing up to be a very healthy and beautiful daughter.  But, you know, life, it's not easy.  It has constantly presented us with challenges and obstacles that,without the help and motivation of my loving husband, I would have completely lost it. I never got to write in here again because... well, I don't know.  I just forgot about it?  

Anyway, fast forward to today and I have decided (while taking a shower - yes, as in all life-changing decisions are usually made while in the shower) to revive this blog and rename it "The Gratitude Project".  The obstacles and challenges are continuously being hurled at us and, as everyone would agree, it would be too draining if I always focus entirely on the negative. Believe me, for me, it is not an easy feat. It is VERY DIFFICULT! But I need to shift my state of mind - something that I should have done YEARS ago - and I believe this would be a start. Instead of writing about the bad, write about the good.  Not only would writing about the things that I am thankful for make me feel better during the difficult times, but in the future, I, along with my family, would reread my posts and say "yeah, we had fun!"

My Little Angel

Two months ago, the Lord gave me my little Angel. And as I look back, the instant realization was just too painful. I wrote an email to my college friends, detailing everything that happened on that uneventful day.

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24 October 2011

Dear Sewer

Hi! It has been a long time since I last saw you guys, well, except for Hasmin. I've been seeing her for lunch quite often for the past few weeks. Except for a few people here, I believe it's now time to tell you guys what I have been holding off for the past two months or so. Now that I have finally come to terms with myself and with everything that has happened.

Well, last month, September 2 to be exact, a few days after Paul's dad passed away, I found out that I was pregnant. I already suspected it since I missed my period, well, given that my periods always come on time so a couple of days missed triggered us to buy the kit and do the test. The two lines came out clear. We were very ecstatic, excited, especially Paul! This was his moment to rejoice since it was painful for him to lose his dad abruptly. Both of us wanted to have a baby so even though we are not yet married, we actively tried to conceive. Now with the baby on the way, we scheduled to have our civil wedding next month.

We regularly have our check ups then on 3rd week September (my baby's 6th week) I was advised by my OB to be on bed rest for two weeks because of slight bleeding. Prior to that, I had my 2nd ultrasound and saw our baby's heartbeat for the first time. She gave me medication and rested for two weeks so my baby will be well. I went back to work on October 3. There was still very very slight bleeding but no pain at all so I still continued with my medication.

Then last October 16, I went to Healthway to have them do some blood tests since this was required by my OB before my next appointment on October 22. The resident doctor at Healthway told me to visit my OB the following day because my test results show that I have severe UTI. The resident doctor was not an OB so she cannot make any prescriptions and only advised me to go to my OB asap. I checked in with my OB at Makati Med the following day, exactly one week ago. Since my baby is almost on the 11th week, she tried to listen to the heartbeat using the Doppler. She cannot hear the baby's heartbeat. She did not say anything except that it may be quite normal since the baby's heartbeat can only be heard past the 12th week. However, she cannot hear my heartbeat as well. My heartbeat should mean that there is blood flowing from my body to the baby, but she cannot hear it too. Calm as she was, she only advised me to have an ultrasound right away and she will wait for the results. When it was my turn and I was already lying in bed, I was surprised that my OB arrived with the Sonologist (the one who will perform the ultrasound). Normally, she does not accompany patients during the ultrasound but she came, which should tell me that I should be worried. Then everything happened so quickly. The instant the images became clear, the Sonologist immediately said that the reason why my OB cannot hear any heartbeat because the baby's heart already stopped beating. According to it's size, the baby's demise was around 7 weeks.

It was heartbreaking. I was confused and I couldn't believe what was happening. But I tried to contain myself until I'm inside my OB's clinic. Paul was still at work so I don't have company. The minute the doors of my OB's clinic closed, I broke down. I could not understand why all of this was happening to me. My OB explained that these types of miscarriages usually happen when as early as the first trimester there are already chromosomal or congenital abnormalities with the baby and they die around 6-8 weeks. Mine was 7. It happened naturally that's why I did not feel any pain at all. My OB advised me to go home first and will schedule the D&C procedure early tomorrow morning. I called up Paul and told him the bad news. He immediately left the office and we met up at home where we just cried all day. He was devastated. He was so excited making plans for us, but unfortunately, all of that will not materialize. Plus he lost his dad just recently making it more painful for him.

Early the following day I was admitted to Makati Med's delivery room where I waited for more than 12 hours, from labor to the actual procedure. Paul and my parents were alternately waiting outside the delivery room and the patient's room assigned to us. They were not allowed to join me inside the delivery room since I was put in critical care. It was not painful. They gave me Propofol when I went into "labor" (wow that was actually niiiccceee, nakaka high. no wonder MJ became addicted to that) and anesthesia thru the spine during the procedure. They wheeled me into my room at around 830pm where Paul, my family, and several close friends were there. We checked out of the hospital the next day.

So now I'm just home. I'm on leave from work for 2 months since they consider this as a maternity leave. Physically, I'm ok. There's still light bleeding and cramps, just like having my normal period. Emotionally, I'm getting by. As I've said, I have finally come to terms with everything that has happened. In the few days after the procedure, even though I'm slowly moving forward, it was still very difficult. I still cry myself to sleep at night. Good thing Paul's with me, giving me the much needed strength and support that I so badly need. He's dealing with it better that me anyway. Without him, I don't know how I'll manage. I'm ok now. I've realized that yes, what happened is very very painful, but it was all part of God's plan. We're still better off that the baby's demise happened very early during my pregnancy. God did not let us wait to have our baby born, or wait until I could feel him/her kicking inside my tummy, only to take him/her away immediately. Saved us from an even more unbearable pain, I guess, and more financial distress.

We're still pushing through with our civil wedding next month. It is part of our plan and we're not delaying it because of an unfortunate incident. Hopefully, if money permits, we'll have our church wedding next year. But we do not want to rush. As for baby plans, we'll see next year. I want to take care of my body and health first, so it would be easy the next time around.

So that's my story. Sorry guys, I wanted to surprise you on our next get together (most likely our Christmas party) with my big tummy. But obviously there would be no surprises this time.

Take care, guys! See you soon!

Colby

Souvenirs?

I seriously do not understand people who collect the Starbucks City Mug Collection by asking other people who go on trips to buy it for them. I mean, isn't this supposed to be your souvenir from the place you visited?

 Well, for me anyway, I personally collect these mugs every time I go out of the country. So far I only have 3 (Singapore, Washington DC, New York). But I already promised myself that this would be my only souvenir collection for future trips outside the country. No way I would ask any of my friends to buy it for me. I mean, anong point?

But anyway, as my sister said, "kanya kanyang trip".

A Wedding and then some

The past two weekends have been A-W-E-S-O-M-E! What was first planned as a simple get together turned out to be one grand (on a small scale though) event.

Two weekends ago, I got married to my love Papa P in a supposedly very simple and intimate ceremony. However, a few days before the said date, things turned around unexpectedly and to my favor. Due to venue limitations, we decided to invite the rest of my close relatives as well (P still said he won't invite his side). I sent a very rush invite thru FB to the Cesarios the plans for that Saturday. I added a personal message to my sister in the US and joked "Ate, uwi ka? Hehe!" as I was very sure a simple event like this would not prompt her to visit the place she has no plans of returning. But to my utter surprise and excitement, she replied that she already booked a flight and will fly in by Friday night. So what was supposed to be a "strictly immediate family only" gathering became a reunion of the clan.

With my sisters and in-laws

The sisters and their new brother-in-law

The entire Cesario brood (well, almost)

Honestly, I totally hate being the center of attention. I'm very comfortable being away from the limelight and maintaining a low profile. So I always imagined what my church wedding would be like, and how I would be able to stand the attention of our guests directed at me. The realization that there would be more than 15 people in our civil wedding was enough to make me cringe with panic even if this was not yet the grand event (in other words, the church wedding). I was so eager to start with the ceremony granted that our immediate families were already complete and the minister was just waiting. Problem is, our only sponsors got caught in traffic! So our fashionably late cousins arrived before we could actually start and was there to witness the whole event. Of course, I am happy! I'm just... scared! :)

Good thing we we made the mood light, and everyone was happy laughing! No drama. Yes, there were tears of joy shed but the family was quick to turn it around as a joke, or simply "pang asar".

I was so happy! The family was complete. My dearest cousins were present. My sister was so thoughtful enough to fly in from the US just for my wedding. And I got married to the love of my life P. We promise to have a church wedding soon. And I will try to make it a little grand than this one.

Cheers!

Hola! Welcome back!

Hola! - Welcome to my new blog. I decided to create a new one to signify a new life I have ahead of me. Done with the old and the ugly, in with the new and the start of something reallly beautiful (so I like to believe) =)

Welcome Back! - I have been blogging since 2004 but took a hiatus (a really long one) last 2009 due to imbalances in my life that need a major overhaul. I will no longer continue the old blog since I want that to symbolize the old life I had. Someday, in the future, I would like to re-read my previous posts and enjoy the shallowness and melodramatics my life had at that time.

So Hola! and Welcome Back!